What Would You Do?

Blue Shield of California Foundation sponsored a survey of adult Californians to understand their views on sexism, inequality, and domestic violence. Completed last fall, the survey also looked at actions Californians are willing to take when faced with domestic violence in their own lives, as well as broader political actions they might take on this issue. The entire survey can be found on their website:www.blueshieldcafoundation.org/publications 

Key findings from this report include:
•    Californians see domestic violence as a serious, widespread problem.
•    Most Californians are personally touched by domestic violence.
•    The best reason to take political action is because domestic violence often leads to murder.
•    Lack of knowledge about the issue and how to act are barriers to action.

To the last point, nearly half reported they want more information before acting to address domestic violence and the best ways to help a victim. Based on this report, we are offering some ideas to help navigate taking action. To ensure we represent authentic voices, we conducted focus groups with survivors from our In This Together therapy program, as well as men from ManKind.


Scenario One
 
Your friend has expressed fear about their relationship, or you have witnessed controlling behavior and are concerned for someone you know. 

What you can do:
1.    Learn the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship so you are educated about the issue. You can find these on the C4DP website.
2.    Don’t blame or make your friend feel guilty. Domestic violence is complicated, and many stay in relationships that are unhealthy for a variety of reasons. So lend an ear or shoulder, and let them know you are a safe person they can reach out to.
3.    Let the individual know that without intervention, abuse often escalates in frequency and severity over time. Encourage them to seek expert assistance. Refer them to specialized domestic violence programs like C4DP’s, not to couples counseling.
4.    If you would like to talk to a trained advocate about your friend, call one of our 24-hour hotlines. English: 415.924.6616/ Spanish: 415.924.3456


Scenario Two

You hear commotion at your neighbors’ place. It’s loud. It’s scary. It seems like someone is getting hurt.

What you can do:
If you are aware that an abusive partner has a history of violence, is aggressive, or you have any other concerns for your well-being, do not intervene. You always have the option of making an anonymous 911 call.

Other things you might consider doing:

1.    Speak with the person you believe is at risk, in person, the next day or soon thereafter. You might greet that person with a question like, “Hey, I heard some noises that concerned me last night. Are you okay?”

•  Be sure to approach the person in a safe, private space, listen to them carefully, and believe what they have to say.
• Never blame the person or ask what they did to “provoke” their partner.
•  Let them know that if abuse is occurring, it isn’t their fault, and they deserve support and protection.

2.    You might give them C4DP’s contact information. 24-hour hotlines English: 415.924.6616/ Spanish: 415.924.3456.
3.    If you are ever concerned for the individual’s immediate safety (or your own), you have the right to contact the police. You can request a wellness check anonymously.
4.    If the survivor decides to press charges against the abusive partner, your statement can be one way to help them document what they’ve experienced.


Scenario Three

You are out in public, maybe at a park or restaurant, and you witness a person being abused or attacked. Should you get involved?

What you can do:
1. Call the police.
2. If you are in a place of business, approach the manager, notify them of the situation, and ask them to call the police.
3. You can use your phone to video record the abuse so there is documentation available from a third-party witness to provide to authorities as evidence.
4. If others are around, and you think it is safe to do so, do something radical – like shout “STOP,” “WE SEE YOU,” “NO VIOLENCE!”


Scenario Four
   
You witness your friend or relative saying controlling or abusive words to their partner. Perhaps they are threatening or intimidating them.

What you can do:
1.    Confront them privately, or if it’s okay to do so, say something in the moment to interrupt the behavior, such as:

•  “I was uncomfortable in the way you were talking to (name)... It seemed like you were making them feel uncomfortable. Were you aware this was happening?”
•  “Hey, let’s stop for a moment. I’m feeling uncomfortable with what is happening here. I want to make sure everyone here at this gathering is treated with respect and is comfortable, so let’s change it up.”
• In addition to the above, if there is an opportunity, share with them available resource information, such as the ManKind program.  415.924.1070 

2.    Check in with their partner, and ask if they are okay.

Domestic violence is a complicated issue, and a person’s safety is paramount. Before you act on any of these scenarios, always remember to first keep yourself safe.  If you have any questions, our advocates are ready and available to coach you through any scenario you may witness.